Hazards of Motherhood

When I found out I was pregnant, it was like people lined up to give me advice and tell me how to do everything. I would be lying if I said that I enjoyed it. The one thing no one bothered to mention however, were the hazards of becoming a mother.

I knew of course about being spit up on, and having food thrown at you, and the possibility of braking your neck on toy. But I was under the impression that however messy things may get inside a diaper, they tended to stay inside the diaper. I did not know that everything I own would eventually get pooped on. I did not know that on several occasions, I would have to come up with a way to get myself and my child into the bathroom without leaving a trail of poop throughout my house. I also did not know how to remove the "seedy, mustard-looking bowel movement" from clothing, carpeting, bedding, and upholstery. It would be safe to say that now I do know about all these things, and I have generally excepted that I will be performing one or more of these tasks on any given day.

"The Pooper"

But today I experienced a new hazard. Up until recently my sweet child has sat in her bouncy chair on the bathroom floor so I could attempt my thirty second shower. Then a few weeks ago she learned how to sit up, and became very angry with the idea of having help in this area. So at this time we got out the tub toys and now she sits on the non-slip, foot-shaped grip at the end of the tub, while I take a slightly longer sixty second shower. Up until today, things were going fairly well. Today she got it in her mind that on this particular day she would not be put down. (As I type one-handed). So as I had a painful lesson in the acoustics of my shower, I decided to bend down and show her some more of the toys. Once she was happy, I pushed myself up, only to realize that I was not quite as far away from the faucet as I had originally imagined. Pain shot down my legs at the same time all the blood rushed back into my head, causing me to grab onto the shower head for fear that I might actually squish my baby; and the whole time I'm thinking in my head "Don't scream or you'll scare her". At this point I realized, oh yeah I'm a mommy.

"The Bruise"

So to all the mommy's, be careful out there.